Thursday, June 7, 2012

It's been a While

The moments that had happened;
will never vanish.
The memories that have occured;
can never be destroyed.
I pause briefly, and remember it all...
I pause all the time, and pray it would go away.
It would make it easier to smile.
It would make it easier to trust.
It would make it easier to love.

It's been a while;
I hadn't been able to breath without
I hadn't been able to listen to music
without images and memories
racing through my head and
being sorted out.

Its been a while,
the moments that had happened
will never vanish.
the memories that have occured
can never be destroyed.
The person who has them;
has grown stronger.
The moments and memories
have been converted to bravery...

I can now look you in they eyes;
Yes. I know. Its been a while.

Friday, September 2, 2011


So I keep my eyes wide open...
just for you; searching the horizon

the response is just as good as if i had my eyes closed...
stretching my arms out to reach to you
and all I feel is the air

I've come to the conclusion though
that I can only find you when my eyes are closed
and when I'm at my most vulnerable point

That's where I look to the horizon
and see you
and with arms reached out; hug you

and in my imagination
I love you

so if I ever do meet you...
and my eyes are open,
it will be like a dream come true

Friday, April 22, 2011

Watch what you Create

You're going to have me be behind
Once I'm let go this world
its going to be new to me
For now you can hold on,
but let the changes appear
You did bring me into this world
this huge diverse world
but, you can't create a world for me
especially if I don't want to live in it
I've needed protection before
I had no clue where to turn
a mistake I made
you helped me clear it up
Now i put up my own shield
I'm aware of where I am
and if I make a mistake
I know how to except it
So, stop trying to hide me from this world
let me step out of the small space you had me in
under your protection, your guide
I've actually made a small escape,
you could say, they would say
I've made my own choice
to fall in love.
Then they caught on recently
but this time I chose not to hide it
I'm done masking something beautiful in my life
this time I'm telling them how it's going to be;
if they are going to try and change it
so this is when they should realize
its time to take up the wall separating me
from the real world
and this time
I won't cave in to any of their adjustments
this time they'll have to adjust
to my choice

Friday, April 8, 2011


hm. yes. yes i am.
am I now hollow inside?
Am I empty...?
whispers turn into screams
echos end short
and breaths grow heavy
and then stop
heart beats grow faster
and paces go slower
and mean while everything is getting weaker
look around
why don't I know what's happening
What I caused and what had occured
are two different results
no one is following this
neither am I
confused, lost, and worried
fix me, end it, and save a life
who knows... mine might be ending soon
and who knows-
it might have not even begun

Guilty- was it worth the laugh?

All of you should feel guilty
EVERYONE right now should feel guilty
all of you claim to be against bullying
you wear the color to represent you are against bullying
pardon my french but BULLSHIT!

All of you are guilty of one thing
making fun of an innocent girl
who was clueless to your cruel
HURTFUL inside joke.
All of you participated in it...

I don't care if you hate her with a fiery burning passion-
there's no excuse for that MEAN action
of a joke.... it wasn't funny though
the thing is you are all sorry
because she realized
the other day that she was the subject of the joke
YOU were not laughing with her
YOU were laughing at her

There I am feeling so bad for her
I was oblivious to the whole situaution
she told me she figured it out on her own
don't go pointing fingers

the pain in her face
the holding back of her tears
the redness of her eyes
some how managed my tears to surface
she was so strong
if I were in her situation I promise...
I COULDN'T be as nearly as strong as her

People were not just MEAN
they said HORRIBLE things
placing her name in code
talking about HER in front of HER
thinking this name was imaginary...
but to all of you it was code, huh?

Well on her face she wears tears
her mind wanders with curiosity trying to figure
out what she did to deserve hatred everyday?
From people she thought was her friends

What do you wear on your face?
What do you bare on your shoulders?
regret.... REGRET that you got caught
you all should feel embaressed....
I thank God - I never participated in this joke-
I'd be so disappointed
I caused an innocent girl pain....
was it worth the laugh?

By the way...
she told me-
she forgives you all.

It angers me that I'm associated with some of you...
think about that

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Love is a game?

Well in a movie the other night
I heard them say how 'life' isn't a game
YES! YES - it is!
atleast L.O.V.E. is?

I'll explain
when I say life is a game
I don't me be a playa (if you were thinking that- think again!)

I mean its like hide and seek
Love hides
we search for it
and we eventually (hopefully) find it

Then it turns into tag
You see it
and you run after it...

Hey! Guess what?
You're it <3


You were there for the first month
then you started this streak of tardies...
and soon enough you became absent over and over again
it goes on your record, you know?

Well if you are absent a lot
you miss a lot,
you were missing a lot of me
what I was saying
and if youre absent
I guess I wasn't important enough for
you to attend

but this boy on the other
well I KNOW he cares about me...
and I know i care about him
don't try to show up now
because I'll I'm going to do
is dismiss you
I'm sorry
you can't make up your absesnses

Friday, April 1, 2011

Walk Away

.... and after all this time
you lied

and after all this time
you said you didn't love me

and after all this time
I'm so sorry
but I no longer love you....

You told her your new relationship
is like taking a 'walk away' from me
no matter how hard you try
you'd always end up at the starting point.

You told her seeing me
be happy with him
made you go home and punch a wall
just so maybe the pain would make you forget me
the pain only reminded you of me instead, huh?

You told him you never said anything about
him, or me, or what we might be
you never said anything, huh?
only that you had a bad feeling
and that I was replacing you

I can't replace something that isn't there
.... its not there anymore....
and I'm sorry
but i don't think it will ever be there again
just walk away
and don't look back

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

When I die

When I die

I don’t need to be know; famous

My name doesn’t

Have to be recognized by the world.

I don’t

Need to be talked about on

history book pages.

When people I knew

Look back

I want them to smile

at the memories.

I hope before I die

I can bring some beauty

into this hideous world.

I don’t need to be known

But, I want to have

Lived my life for a purpose.

Before I die

I want to have love

And I want that love

to have been reciprocated.

When I die…

My name doesn’t have to be recognized


Thursday, March 24, 2011

Copy, Cut, and Paste

Stop. Right there.
You're looking at me
Your hand holding my wrist.
we've reached eye contact
pause. freeze.
i want to save this moment.
I'll look back to this

First moment,
copied, cut, and paste
copied from the world
cut it, the moment over
but its pasted in my mind.

Stop. Pause. Continue.
Speak now... repeat
I can go over my day and hear your
sweet words now.

Shh. be quiet.
Let me put my ear to your chest...
let me pace your breaths
and i'll adjust mine to match.
I want to know your heartbeat

Please blink,
and I want to know
if when your eyes open
if your gaze will change to somewhere else
or if your eyes will still be on me.

My side

Do people ask me for my side of a story
Then again,
Do people need my side of the story
 He asked for my side of the story
Since he asked
That means he might have thought
There was some truth
To the lie filled one.
 But he can’t know my past actions
If he doesn’t know my full story…
 So I prepare
Prepare to open up
And expose my interior
I prepare to tell him the secrets
That only I know
 There isn’t going to be any secrets between
Him and I anymore
Because; eventually
I hope we’ll love each other
 And if he loves me…
I want him to love me for everything and anything I am
And to do that
He needs to know;
He needs to know me
 I hope he likes it
I hope he likes my life…
 Because it’s a life;
soon not to be a secret

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

You look, I look

You look, I look
everyones opinion was different about
my view on this world for a long time.

then i met him
and i felt as if I was  meant
to know him

He said the words I would have spoken
He knew the interior before was I had opened up;
because he had experienced it before...

all the pain
the anger
the tears
over all the heart
the heart that had been
FIXED the BROKEN then FIXED again...

and well, as he spoke a few words to me
I felt as if for once.... maybe something is meant to happen?
I don't know...
I DO care..

He's different, that's for sure
he seems as if he may be that boy in the dream-
the one that tries to bring beauty into this hideous world
I wouldn't be shocked if that's him

Friday, February 25, 2011

Time Period

This world;
I hate to say it -
but its going to hell

this time period
is so advanced
its hard to compete

and the things we are building
the technology
is better than us
we created something bigger than us

I'd like myself better,
if I was born into the correct time period
maybe i belong in the past?
Where it would be old fashioned
more modesty
and when songs were descent
and weren't including getting high
or having sex

maybe I'd like myself better
in the future
where no one was lesser than anyone else
and all the low life creeps
wouldn't live in it
(survival of the fitest, sweetheart)

maybe I'd like myself better
if there were more people
that didn't think they were judges
because the people
born in this time period
are the people who make it suck

no one's perfect; don't need to
tell me that twice
but maybe the life i'm living would be better...
maybe this time period would be better
if every person took a minute to think
am I making someone else's life harder to live?

If the answer's yes -
how about you change that?

Friday, February 18, 2011

Its all I want

Its all I want
Its all I had
Its all I lost
It all I have to gain
Its love

the thing he doesn't believe in
the romance
the seriousness
its all i crave

no one can understand
or comprehend
or even break it down
to their knowledge

to know how bad
I want him
to give me a kiss
it can be as awkward as he likes
just a peck
even if he actually misses
my mouth
I'd love that he attempted

I don't need anything
you know... sexual?
(HAHA i felt awkward typing that)

I just want someone to
and cuddle :)

Its all i want - the love
Its all I had - the love
Its all i lost - the love
and all i have to gain is love

I want all of his awkwardness
I want his odd thoughts
I want his personality
I want him...
Its all I want

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I'm going to convince him

So I've been talking to this boy
And he's been giving me the butterflies
And I love it

But I need to convince him that there is such a thing as love
... Because he doesn't believe in it

But like I'm really serious about convincing him
And I don't know why....
But like he's totally worth my time
I love talking to him

And I have the sense that there is
So much more complexity to him
Than he's letting on

Do I want him to believe in love?
Because I want him to love me?
Do I want him to believe in love?
So that I can love him...
Do I want him to believe in love?
Because he deserves to have love in his life

I don't know him all that well
To be honest
But he is someone I want to know
I don't really know if there's a little
Hint of affection between us
Or if I just admire his words
I have a hard time telling the difference
Because I romanticize everything

I'm going to convince him
That he can love
I don't know how
And I don't know when
But I will try
And I hope
I will succeed

I love talking to him
I love the butterflies


I'm sick...
So I'm VERY sick at home not allowed
to go back to school until Friday -.-
and i have pnemonia, bronchitus
severe sinus infection,
 and double ear infection

and I'm laying half- dead on my couch
(yesterday I was in the hosptial)
and all I can do is stay in bed
eat oatmeal
and drink hot chocolate
or atleast thats all I'm chosing to do

so I decide to go on the internet
and im just browsing the internet
and see a gross disturbing add
which makes my stomach turn
so I log off

then I'm trying to
figure out how to use my new inhaler
cus of my bronchitus and pnemoia
yeah, I'm pretty sure I over dosed on that

then my stupid nose spray
made me sneeze for like five minutes straight

my pill is so big
I could choke on it

but anyways I just wanted to complain
and I hope no one wasted their time reading this...
but if you did
you are a good person
but you need to get a life

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Little Girl

Oh darling, oh little girl
why do you feel so lonely in this large world
little girl yet you are here
your actions make things unclear
your appearance
still young
but your actions are younger
turn around and talk no truth
maybe intentionally so I can hear
but little girl its not me but you who is lost in this large world

for you are the one who is immature
talking about me like I have no clue
but the point of this is
you must not have anything better to do
so I don't mind, entertain yourself
and claim things of false to be true
but just no when you turn around to talk
know that karma will switch on you

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Lost Cause

Not going to fight this
insanely wonderful-overwhelming- tingle
I feel in my blood, in my body,
in my soul when you are around

how you look at me with the look of
I know you are going to tell me so just tell me already!
Gives me a smile on my face that I can't resist

and when you look at me and your pupils enlarge
my eyes get locked on yours
and I can't look away until your stare diminishes

And when you smile
I can't help but be happy
in every possible way

And when you sing
although you think you sound bad
I wish you were singing to me
and I tell you to stop
(because I know you're not singing to me)

So I'm just this lost cause
and there's no cure
for the broken heart
shattered heart
that I will eventually receive
but until then
I live on hope, I live on faith
I live on my dreams
I live off of the prayers
that maybe one day
I won't be lost anymore
and maybe one day
I'll be more reassured that
I won't be a lost cause
and may be
you will find me

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

My letter

Dear __________,
Why is it that I try to convince myself of this one lie repeatedly over and over again: That I care affectionately for you no longer. I believe I do it for both of us, maybe so i don't cause problems in your life, or so I don't appear pathetic, or maybe because I'm scared of the fact that since October 17 I fell hopelessly for you. and since November 1 I fell in love with you. Maybe that's why. Maybe I'm scared because I'm younger. Maybe I'm too hopeful for this beautiful yet hateful world we are living in. You imtimidated me because I felt important to someone outside of my family.I felt loved, REALLY loved for the first time... and I reciprocated that. I never had loved anyone - ever. Maybe my life was just going away... really and once I left I didn't want you to feel as if you had to hold on or wait for me to return, because someone else deserves your love - and you deserve more love than anyone i know. Maybe i have a secret, that no one knows and I didn't know if you were going to be drawn in, and I cared too much to allow that to happen to you. maybe I felt awful that I wasn't as good as you. Maybe I was afraid of your views, of your free spirit. How you made me feel like I was on top of the world. All these feelings were good. too good. and it threw me off, because it was the best it had ever been. But I just want to tell you, no matter what, no matter who in this world tries to interfere, or how many times people tell me no, I'll know only you can affect my future... but no one can affect my past. And all i know know, is that I want to love you forever grow old with you and die with you.

Monday, January 31, 2011

My romanticized world

I'll allow something happy inside
I'll put up a wall to keep out the darkness
I need to shine...

I need to feel the warmth
get away from the coldness

I need to allow my heart to feel bliss
my soul to be free
escape this world
and create a romanticized world

one where every one's purpose is known
and everyone believes in themselves
self- esteem isn't a problem
where everyone believes in true love
hatred is rarely found
currency is forgotten
and stereotypes disappear
everything happens for a reason
people think positive
every one's excepted
every one's loved
every one's included
and where dream's really do come true

... but this world doesn't exist
but as soon as I close my blue eyes
and every time I fall asleep
this is the place where i can let my guard down

this is the place that i can feel blissfully happy
along with everyone surrounding me
and this may be my silly youthful romanticized world

... but wouldn't you care to join me?

Thursday, January 27, 2011


We see traffic
coming up ahead
Turn on the news
Its all the talk
the 'accident'

We're gonna need patience
to make it past this
its gonna take some time

i'm sure neither one of them wanted the cost
but now
all that is left to do
is fix it
let's not have a hit and run

and she's gonna tell you
to drive up on the break down lane
cut through, its easier
and she's gonna say I'm a road block in the way
and she's going to try to find a detour for you
but little does she know
lifes a one way street
with a dead end
leading you to me

So let's go back to what she was saying
the choice  may be easier and tempting
but sure...
is it worth the regret of a ticket in the end?
Trust me
someone will pull you over in the end
and make sure you're sober
because of your stupid decision...

because let's face it
she's not better than me

.... but then there's always time
to take a U-TURN
and come back around

Monday, January 24, 2011

once a lady

looking in the mirror
angry at the tears
that I allowed myself to cry
does it always seem to catch up with me now
I was ahead of the game not to long ago

but now I'm falling behind
get off the track
take some time

to let the tears roll down
let the love shine
if theres any left

Stupid boy
you don't love at all
so don't claim you have it with me

confused boy why you bringing me down with you?
i'm a second choice - and I refuse

lets the tears roll down
lets my thoughts of you
go away
with the rest of the pain you caused me

and I hope life gives you hell
as payback as to what you did to me

my guard was down
broken - heartened girl
searching for anyone to love her

not gonna settle for less
not gonna settle for you
i'm not a second choice i refuse

once a lady
broken down to a girl
in this lying world

so let the tears roll down
let the sun shine in
once a lady
broken down to a girl
im growing up again

*** this i a song i wrote***

Promises are being kept a secret

how i define it :
a commitment one puts on him/heself for all eternity

this definition should be changed
no one keeps a promise for all eternity,
at least not an important one

and in this world we live off of promises
as one can imagine
one can make soemones day
but promises are seldom and rarely kept,
which isn't usually bothersome
unless the most important thing to you
was a promise...

and I'll remember when the promise took place
where it took place
and how it was brought up
i'll remember just as clearly
as to how that promise, that dream
was shattered into a million lies

and I'll remember how I swore never to let anyone
promise me anything ever again like that
or how i relied on that promise
or how I saw the world differently after you said that,
and after you swore you meant that

this promise
these promises
are all covering the
secrets of reality
that promises are going to be broken
and sure no one should break a promise...
but who's going to stop it from happening?
Promises, are being kept a secret

Thursday, January 20, 2011

go ahead

go ahead
and live your life
make yourself happy
anything you want
anything you need
i'm here
i'll help

so i deserved it
deserved the lonliness
the cruelness
notice* how i said deserved
past tense.

I don't anymore
i deserve love right now
and everyone's trying to
give it to me
and I won't except it from anyone
but you
so until you love me again for atleast
two seconds
I'm incapable of loving anyone else

so i deserved the lonliness
the cruelness

but this torture
is slowly killing me
this torture
is murder

Monday, January 17, 2011

it was perfect

So i can officially stand up for myself
and decide to not let him play me
because I'm not an instrument
or a video game, or a sport
so no - i refused to be played

So today
let's just say
i got hooked on some one else :)

Haha life is soo good :)
ok i'm to gittery to type soo
i'm gonna go now
love you <333
vye ;)

Sunday, January 16, 2011


Hi everybody! Umm...this isn't d.m.j. this time..well because she's been hacked. She's over my house right now so I decided to post this. Oh btw this is d.m.j.'s AMAZING friend o.m.d. 
Hi its d.m.j.'s sister! im d.t.j. ......teehee anyways dmj hides her deepest darkest secret in here b/c she basically lives in a fairy tale/soap opera world......and i WILL find her secrets!! "its a life its a secret" what are you hannah montanna????? but i love you<3333333333
So right now we're playing dress-up because that's what girls do at sleepovers (just incase there are any guys on here wondering.) Pretty soon we're moving onto prank calls...the normal sleepover fun...
my turn! ok anyways i want to wish everyone a happy martin luther king jr. day!!!!! and yes we dont go to school cuz someone "had a dream".....prank calls r so much fun especially when u preten to work at victorias secret  and u want to know if they ordered a miracle bra or bombshell......u should try it ........ALSO i want to mention tht  d.t.j is awesome!!!!!
Of course she is!!!  So to add onto the whole prank dial topic, it's also fun to pretend to be a business who takes people's organs at random times at night. And now...I'm just typing random stuff because I've noticed that d.t.j. writes a lot more than I do. I want to run a kind of quote by you people:
Dream it.
Live it.
Love it.
Well...I guess that's it. Bye guys!

The past

Have you ever just sat?
Sat in a dark room
no electronics
no noise
but with utter silence

it's odd
the only thing that interrupts this peaceful silence
is your thoughts

the thoughts that you don't want to think of
the 'what if's...'
start creeping into your mind
bringing you to a past
that you would like to stay in the past

you try to not think of the
but in the silence
in that past
that's all you can think of
the regret, and the change you could've made to it
and people rarely congratulate themselves for their past...

and I have a past.
not a bad one, honest
just some times -
a young one.... because of some foolish mistakes
that obviously could've been avoided

and we all know
that just looking at the past
changes nothing
while sitting in a dark room
(but why do we do it?)

So how about we go into the light
and instead of thinking abouit the past
how about we decide to change it
take some action, change our bad decisions

So how about we go into the light
and change ourselves...

Friday, January 14, 2011

Something New... that was once there

Something New
He made me feel a lot
never knew what it felt to feel so much until i met him...

i always vent to him and
seem to always appear sad over the phone
or over texting, or somehow ready to give up on life
and I always know he's going to still be there for me
(because honestly, he's that great as a person)
but honestly why do i burden him with this
i mean, he is the only one who cares
but he doesn't need to listen to this -
i don't want to deal with it and its me...
why would he want to hear it?
But I kind of want him to be like SHUT UP
but nah. he's to great to do that...

But, still I'm not going to bring people into my sad time era right now
I'm just going to stay in it until some one who cares enough pulls me back out
I'm not going to 'reach out' for some one to help anymore
(some people build up walls not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to knock them down)

Today I felt real again
i realized how much people really do confide in me
even with me barely knowing them
a girl I just started talking to a week ago
will vent out to me her deepest secrets
and a boy will ask me for advice
and a girl I haven't talked to in about two years
will approach me and start off where we last left off
I'm realizing
it's not my place to be the complainer, or advice seeker
But its to be there for people
and listen...

That's the difference-
 for the past three months
I've needed help, advice, comfort
and appeared less to people who didn't know me
and I ruined a lot of chances
time to win those back...
time to get back
its time to be that girl that once people fell in love with

no more sorrow
no more hate
I'm going to be that girl who stays after class to talk to the teacher
to smile in the hallway
to ask people how they are
to sing loud as i want
to love once again
... I'm back
as something new ... that was once there

snow days of sorrow

Well I just had two snow days in a row!
And I should have been studying for midterms...
but of course not

I divided my day into quarters

Quarter 1: Go creep on peoples lives on their computer and pray for him to text me
Quarter 2: Lay in bed feeling sorry for myself
Quarter 3: Get rid of my new comforter (wait till you hear the pathetic reason)
Quarter 4 : Listen to Taylor Swift's new CD Speak Now

Well Guess why i had to throw out my new comforter.... Its only two months old and a beautiful shade of pink - it was because it had tear puddles of black from my eyeliner and mascara running when I cried. wow.

but why? why tears? as if they will drain the sadness from me and leave my body. no. this is the first time in my life i've ever felt something so powerful, something with this long term affect. and although I don't like the sadness- I like knowing what it feels like, what it feels like to feel

Then I listened to Taylor Swift, I believe she's the easiest person in the world to relate to especially in this new album! All I could do was hit the replay button for Last Kiss, then Haunted, Then Speak Now....... why is it that I could relate to everyone and it touched me in a different way each time... every song meant something!!!

But I don't only relate with her through her songs, but for the purpose of the entire album. She's writting her songs for words she needed to say
and I'm writting my blog for the very same reason...

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

i am a snowflake

I went outside
not all bundled up but i wore a jacket
and plopped down
to feel the coldness

i can relate to snow
the coldness of it
how it falls randomly
but it can be predicted

how once it falls
it keeps on falling and once it lands
some one picks it up
and shovels it off to the side

spinning out of control
not knowing where to land
i am a snowflake
and right now
its a Storm

your worlds crashing

I feel bad
this is a different feeling of badness though
because i don't feel bad for myself
i feel bad for you

your worlds crashing
and the world is heavier than you can handle
so whose going to help you keep up the walls
for a while it was me im assuming
but i wont give myself the credit

but now who is it
you think its her
but its not
but lets pretend it is
who's stronger??

You finally developed to the new world
your new world
while everything was going on
and i was slowly dwindling down to nothing
you were growing

so a few days ago i accepted it
and finally moved on after loving you for about
109 days
and after you making me smile
atleast a thousand times
i accepted it and moved on

so if you don't care about me any more
why did you make it clear to me, him, and all of my friends
that it bothers you
that I could possibly move on from loving you
to someone else

but when i did this
it struck you hard
didn't it
and maybe everything doesn't happen for a reason in your world
but for me it does
and maybe the reason this is happening
is for you to realize
what every one else does...

that I was the one who made the mistake
but you are the one who didn't fight to fix it
so never again can you say
"I don't give up easily"

but i feel bad for you
because i know how it feels
to want to change something so bad
but are unable to
because its not your place to

so you proved you cared
and you realize you still care
now what are you going to do about it?

you claim to have made a decision
and that you chose her
but lets not lie to ourselves, shall we?

Monday, January 10, 2011

it was a glance

well its all gone now
what had so quickly taken place - quickly left
and i didn't believe it until now
i got a sneak peak at love

so i was on his tail -
i was keeping him from his new 'love'
and i learned my lesson
not to allow myself to fall in love so quickly unless
i know they are going to stay
maybe he'll learn a lesson too...

but i'm just saying
don't be shocked when I move on
because nothing is stopping me from going out with any of your
best friends
ok now that this is understood
i feel better ;)

Thursday, January 6, 2011


but i don't honestly care what he's thinking right now
as long as he knows
KNOWS not thinks that I really do love him

what i know is that i don't only just miss him!
i miss that happy feeling
the feeling knowing he was there for you
that little explosion that happened when our eyes met

i really miss that hug
the REAL hug
i haven't had one of those in forever
it was some thing great and perfect

i miss having that competition with him
of seeing who could stay up the latest
but he knew I was going to lose everytime anyway
and i miss that text saying
"you fell asleep like always haha good night I love you"

and then I'd wake up some time around 4:00 am
and read it and smile and try to fall back asleep
but then I always got excited because in three hours I was going to see him
... and then I'd always be tired the next day because i didn't go back to sleep
and since I was tired i always lost the competition!!!

He was always the first one to make me smile everyday
because he'd text me "Good morning angel <3"
and every time I read it I was happy
and although he did it everyday... I never
expected it.

I miss him waiting for me at the end of the day...
now I NEVER see him before I leave
and everyday I wait 3 minutes for him in our meeting spot.
and he has never shown up, I'd wait longer
but I'd miss my bus

I miss who I was
I really do
I was a really happy person
having people ask me why i was so happy
or why I had a huge smile on my face
they are asking
What's wrong?
or 'hows your situation"
because there is no hiding it.
but I'm 3% happy now compared to the 100% i was
1% - he is my friend
1% - some people still care
1% - he's happy with out me and he's happy with this other girl
(... when you're in love that person's happiness is essential to your own even if their happiness is making you 97% less happier)

Monday, January 3, 2011

Last Chance

I'm so selfish
really, I've been told.
Maybe in this case selfish is a good thing

but apparently I'm always
complaining about not something
when i do have it?

You tell me you love me
do you  know what an obligation that is?
I mean to say it back, well I'm not going to say it to anyone but him...

But i love one person
that's taken
and he's brave, he's strange, and confusing
and he's hurt me so many times

but i was never unhappy with him
its right now that i'm unhappy with him
and guess why
its because I'm not with him

so all I ask is that we have one last dance
one last kiss
so give me that one last chance to take it all back
and if  i mess it up...
this one last chance
I won't live

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

90th day

No One knows
but i Keep track

of how many times
you make me smile

how many times
you make me laugh

how many times
I think of you
(for this one I lost track)

How many times you
told me you loved me

How many times
we kissed in a day

How many times
you make me happy
(this one is every day)

How many days I thought about loving you +
How many days I did Love you +
How many days I am in love with you =
Today is the 90th day

how i act

I'm a very open person with the people i know
a very shy person with the people I don't trust
Careful with the people i love
And Crazy with acquaintances

So I vent to the people I know
and they really listen
and they want me to make a movie about my life
but who wants to watch that? I mean I can't keep track
of my own life- so this would be one hell of a confusing movie

Sadly, I don't trust a lot of people
And I give EVERYONE second chances
but, nothings every completely erased if you keep
on doing the same thing over and over again
So i tell them nothing but the obvious
and they want to know more but,
they ruined their privilege
they can earn it back but,
few try

I'm careful with the people I love
And if you have read my blog
you must know I love a lot :)
and if I'm not careful
I end up hurt
but if I'm too careful
I end up even more hurt

And I'm crazy with acquaintances
I am myself on first impressions
because I don't want them to think I'm some one I'm not
sometimes I scare people off BUT
wouldn't I eventually scare them off anyway?!
But I'm known for my 'craziness'
but there's more to me than just being crazy

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

you have a plan...


Yes. I woke up this morning and made those noise with out a care in the world!  And Yes. Yes, I was thinking of him and how he never leaves my mind! He is unwelcome!!! It's so aggravating!

I'm trying to cling on to something I don't think i have - and it's probably driving any one who knows me insane.

But for once in my life I'm going to be selfish! And I'm going to love him whether people like it or not!

And I'm going to think of everything
ways to show I care
ways to tell him i love him
ways to spend time with him

but then again PATIENCE id everything
now more than ever....
I hate waiting for something good to happen to me

well if it is him in the end
its worth the wait <3

Fortune Cookie On Christmas!

I really love Christmas, no matter what everyone seems to forget about the past on this one day and everyone appears to make ammends. It fills everyone up with pure happiness!

Well anywho, I had a fortune cookie waiting on my pillow before I went to bed! I swaer, I'm a little freaked out at how they keep on appearing randomly but this time I actuaally had Chinese food so it was more normal.

So I opened it and it linked again to the past fortune cookies-
"You're love is creating a heart"

and it was late and i fell asleep and well, I LOST THE FORTUNE : (

well, like the fortune cookie once said before
"right now more than ever you have to be patient"

Intuition from Dreams II

Well, I figured out what the dream was! Nothing bad happened, its really personal so I'm not going to write it on here though! Sorry

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


stupid December 22 day
I hate you
I hate this day

I wish I hated him like this day
but no - he 'cares"
he says

NO please, don't care it means that
I have some little importance to you
and when i know that - i still love you nice going

so i tell you not to care
and you tell me you'll always care

then I yell at you for making me feel special
then you tell me that i am special

ugh this week i managed to somehow convince myself to
"un - love" you

well all of my so called 'efforts' just vanished

yeah, look at the mess you caused by being perfect!

that place

You know in the romantic movies how the boy or girl
takes the love of their life to their "special place"
that secret, private place that you can run to
lay down and just breath, or a place you can hide and think

Well I've had that place for the past four years
its nearby and I run there for help about so many things
and no one knows
No One

but I've had the sudden urge to show someone this place
I want it to snow
I want to ring his door bell
and I want to tell him to follow me
and He'll follow me, or I'll drag him there

and he'll have no clue of where i brought him and
he will just look and think ok... why am i here
and then i'll tell him to sit on that rock a lay back
breath in and clear his mind and he'll understand

maybe he will realize who i am
this is my deepest darkest secret
see I never really liked him he
was just there for me at all the right moments
thats what was special
and one day who knows...?
it could be affectionate but right now I just want him to be there for me again
like I'm there for him right now

i hope it happenes.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

House of Safety and Love

Went to church and class today.
I didn't want to go to church but I did -
and I saw the thing that I wanted more
than anything
and it may sound stupid to you but just seeing it made me happy
- true love

there's a couple of the age 94 and 98
the woman's 94
and the mans 98

the woman is so adorable in a long overcoat all bundled up moving at a quick pace
but of course taking tiny steps.
and the mans far behind, because he's chubby and more out of shape and aged
but he used all his energy just to beat her to the church door
so he could open it for her.
that small gesture of true love just lightened my day.

This fact may be surprising to you because of my young age but I like church
I'm not like a bible thumper, which you might think by reading this but, anyone that knows me knows that is not true! I like church because its a house full of strangers, friends, family, and acquaintances- and yet its a house full of safety and love. And while at church I don't pay much attention. I say the prayers, sing the songs, and then I think; gather my thoughts.

That's one reason why I didn't want to go today, I'd be thinking
and i think about how my life is, what I'm doing right, what I'm doing wrong, and who's making me happy
AND i thought today- and all my thoughts drifted back to him, every single time I get away from thinking about him... they go back to him. All thoughts lead to him somehow. but these thoughts weren't sad, they weren't happy either. They were just there leaving me emotionless.

They were memories, reminding me that nothing like that is going to happen anytime soon
which I don't mind
because the outcome of those memories
were happiness, tears, heart ache, and then there was nothing

and the worst thing is not feeling anything
its better to feel pain, than nothing at all - and that's where i am now

Just keep telling myself one day I'll be like that old couple and there will be some one rushing to get the door for me <3


so last night-
i went caroling... which is not as easy and innocent as it looks
yes i said "easy" and "innocent"

it wasn't easy because some guys had to carry the canned goods
and THEN everyone had to sing in the FREEZING COLD
... but a good deed is a good deed <3

oh I almost forget... us carolers are NOT as sweet and innocent as we look
well at least I'm not, I have some pretty funny stories

so one house we got to is where a VERY OLD lady lived,
and apparently she could barely hear...
so we had to sing VERY LOUD, obnoxiously loud
and then she didn't come to the door and as us carolers are walking away i go,
"WAIT! What if she's so old she can't walk and she struggling to get to the door!"
I was SERIOUS... but sounded pretty stupid so "can she walk? " was the insider of the night.

And then we go to this house, (this is was good)
and we keep on singing and knocking on the door because our group was
persistent for Haven For Hunger...
yeah this wicked hot guy answers the door and says "I'm kinda busy..." and of course
yeah - i really said that and I thought he went back inside but no, he was still there. I don't know if he heard me though :)

This one wasn't really funny BUT like it seemed like something that would be put in a movie-
My friend asked how their dog Buddy was...
they say "Oh. Buddy passed away... he's in the back yard-"
and I'm thinking smooth... smooth one
BUT they still made a very generous donation!!
(oh and I pretty much fell over laughing at this house...)

there was a car whipping around the corner
"Car! Speed! Quick! Drunk! Ah!"
yup, i said that ha ha ha <3

caroling was so much fun <333

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Intuition from dreams

none of you have heard this story
except a few
a very small few

two weeks before Christmas had began
it was the year 2003
and i continuously had a repetitive dream
it was exactly like a dream though,
it was a slide show of sounds and images

- The Cross
- A Christmas tree
- a car
- a scream NO-"
- snow
- and a cross walk
- and an alarm going off at 5:17

it was odd, not scary at all just odd

Walking to our car from church on Christmas Eve it was snowing and I was on the cross walk and my father was a little behind me. A car came to a stop so I was crossing and then everyone was crossing but when I was walking in front of the car the stepped on the gas by an accident and bumped me hard enough to knock me over.My mother screamed "NO" I wasn't hurt, not even bruised but my dad and several other men hit and slammed the hood of the man's car, around 5:15ish , which i assume now was 5:17
it took me a while to actually apply my dream to reality.

Now I've been having the same slide show type dream
-"Needless to say..."
- "Calm down..."
- My friend crying
- Me bleeding (not self - inflicted wounds)
- "Don't worry"
-Outside Christmas lights

this dream however, gives off an eerie feeling...
and now
me being older
I'm trying to figure it out.

Friday, December 10, 2010


I'm very tired
my eyes are heavy with sleep
its a strain to move any
part of my body

BED! finally - I've been up since 5:00 am
oh no... where did my bed go?

oh so they decided to disassemble it today

walk downstairs sleep on couch
listen to music

they are all songs of getting over people
then I realized today
I got over him;
ugh I'm too tired to lie
never mind
yeah, I'm going to bed
on my comfy couch

life's good.
good night <3

Thursday, December 9, 2010


Never. Ever. NEVER
will I forget you.
Even if i have Alzheimer's I'll remember you
so don't even suggest it

because i refuse to forget...
the best thing that's ever happened to me

i can't forget this, you, what it was...
it will ruin me - and if you forget me
it will ruin you too
i don't know how, but it will!

no one's ever affected me like you have
you can control what I'm thinking
what I'm feeling
how I'm acting
and then even when i don't want to
i care about what you're feeling
what you're thinking
and how you're acting

... I've been advised to be patient
so no i won't forget about you
I'll just let you figure things out...
and be patient during the process....
i love you

The Increase

The Increase in your cause
The Increase of the Whispers
The whispers that affect

When you're near my pulse
it stops; pauses
then continues... it increases speed

you affect me
the way i feel
you have the power to build me up
then knock me down

saying i love you also gives you the option
to hurt me- because you have that control.

Still he has that power
and i can't take it away
because i still love him
and if I want the power back

i need to stop loving him
... he's going to have the power for a while
and he'll always affect me

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Fortune Cookie

I know not everyone believes in god, but I do and this story is just absolutely crazy and amazing whether you believe in him or not <3

So, I broke down yesterday - and decided not to go to school. It was a half a day any ways! So I completely vented out to my mom (yup I'm pathetic) but I've had no clue on what to do. She loves to give advice. I'll write what i said to her, but i was going on and on so don't expect it to make any sense...

"Mom! I'm tired of this. It hurts my heart hurts and you're probably gonna laugh at me and tell me I'm only a teenager but don't say that- I'm fully aware of my age! I'm not fully aware of what I'm feeling though. My heart hurts and that's not an exaggeration it legit HURTS and its not only heart ache- my whole body feels like its gonna shatter! I don't know if its love or just me being an obsessive annoying bitch! He says he loves her... he said he LOVES her! When you love someone can you love only one person? Because I want him to love me like I love him, he once did! I promise you mom, i love him I may not be IN love with him- but its so close! But, if he loves her, I would hate her but i don't because she makes him happy- do you see what he's doing to me?! He's making me like a girl who is beating me, she winning him and i like her just because he's happy!" (i start laughing because I'm so embarrassed i just confessed my love life to my mother)

Then my mom say "hmmm... i know why you don't hate this girl. It's because she makes him happy - and when you love someone its their happiness that matters to you, not yourself"

Then  I say "I should be more selfish... ha ha... but, then again, I don't think he's truly happy."

Then my mom says, "make him happy."

Then I say, "This is so awkward. make him happy that could be interpreted wrongly... what do I do?? What can I do?! i don't want to interfere. help me"

Then my mom says "I'm not gonna help you on this one. Ask god for help."

Then I say, "God has more important situations than my teenage love life."

Then my mom says, "God knows better than anyone how you feel. He gave you those feelings. You never know! I have to go to work. Relax. I love you."

Then i say,"Love you too."

Twenty minutes later i go upstairs in my cabinet to take Tylenol because i had a massive head ache and there's a random fortune cookie. So i say out loud "God i need advice; an answer - let this be yours..."
and I crack it open...
and read...
"Right now, more than ever, you need to be patient."

And i screamed <3

but, I'm very grateful <3

*** this story is not exaggerated at all***

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

how you love me now

You were talking to her
But messing with me
It's finally clear
You're blurring the lines
Are you disturbed?
Oh now you care
Why do you race through my red lights?

Can't understand?
I'll slow it down for you

Tell me how can you sleep?
How can you breathe?
Baby tell me how
How you love me now
Save it for her
I'm not gonna hear
Your reasons and please-just-take-me-backs
We never were right
Don't waste your breath
You crashed and you're on your own tonight

Lights out
I've found out my falling star
The sun rises here
There's no more you and I

Tell me how can you sleep?
How can you breathe?
I hate when you say
How you love me now

Formspring fights and feudes

Hello! Recently on my formspring and on several other pages i have been the topic. and now it has to stop - this isn't directed directly to you its directed to everyone I'm friends with on formspring and anyone else who has been on my page.
Recently there has been much too much drama on my page and several others. My life is great so don't try to bring me down because you people are the ones who look foolish. Half of the stuff you are saying are lies and shit -- and to be honest drama on formspring is stupid- simple as that. and you being anonymous makes you pathetic
OK now everyone that is reading this is also fully aware of Chris and my break up (not to get back on the subject) but its been over for probably a month. He's over it, I'm over it -but why aren't you random people over it? It was our relationship not yours so i ask please leave us the both alone. You don't know what happened, no one really does so don't try to act like you do. Its unfair to him and me. He can respond to what he likes but if anyone writes any more on my formspring about him I'm just going to delete it.any drama filled thing im gonna delete it!

On a more serious note is a person who says I'm doing things that I'm not. well i figured out who you are and it is who i first suspected.  me and my friends all saw you keep staring at me. Don't worry you're not worth my time and I'm not telling anyone else who you are I'm actually forgiving you

Now i don't know if it was the person above who was telling me to commit suicide or if it was some other evil sugguestion. Suicide is not a joke - and don't ever suggest that to anyone, its evil. If you say that to someone on formspring and the person ends up committing suicide do you know the police can track you down and arrest you for cyber-bullying. Everyone needs to be more cautious of what they say.

Lucky for you I'm very happy and have great family and friends and love my life even if its not at its best right now so everyone sorry to disappoint you but I'm going to remain happy :D

thank you for taking the time to read this

Monday, December 6, 2010

you are not allowed...

I'm done.
absolutely done - with everything.
and this will go out and be directed everyone i know
and everyone i do not know...

you are not allowed
to say you're my best friend
or tell me that I'm wrong or that I'm right
or that i can trust you

because you are not my best friend if
you lie about your opinions
or go behind my back
or repeat something i don't ask you to say
and if you do that
you're not my best friend... you're not even close to a friend

you are not allowed to mess with my mind
you can't say i love you in the important context
and if you mean it - I'll realize it
I'll believe it

don't play me like an instrument. (that was an attempt at humor)
I'm tired of being treated special
and then realizing i was just a nobody all along
its too much work and time
to get over it
so don't put me through it

you aren't allowed to lie
I've been lied to so many times
that when some one does it now
and its their second time ... i let them have it
you lose me and there's no winning back my friendship
lies tear me down
and make me feel stupid
... so don't go there

this is the most important one***
because its directed to the most important person***

you are not allowed to let me love you
when you love someone else
or when you have stopped loving me
because on these circumstances i don't know where we stand

you aren't allowed to let me fall in love with you
because in the end ill get hurt

^ you already broke that rule

i don't just love you
I'm in love with you
and there's no going back now
and i hate you for it

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Church Story

i woke up so tired this morning, I absolutely did not want to go to church at ALL! Of course I decide to go
... and I'm so happy I did

We have a class host the mass sometimes. this week the 6th and 3rd graders were doing it. They were short of 6th graders so i volunteered to help (although I'm not a 6th grader obviously). So i was paired up with this cute adorable 3rd grader named Jessica. She was shy; but was capable of getting comfortable and carrying a conversation. So she's holding my hand and we are waiting to march down the aisle of the church. and she goes:
- _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _?
- Yes Jessica?
- i heard your mommy talking to Mrs. S...
- You did?
- Yes!!! They were talking about how your blossoming into a beautiful young lady!
- Oh well that's nice!
-I agree with them... you are beautiful, but how are you blossoming... (she whispers: are you secretly a flower)
- No!! Silly! of course not!!
- Because if you are - i promise i won't tell anyone!!!
- Jessica, i promise I'm not a flower
- OK. I believe you
- Thanks. When we are in church we can't talk we have to have respect, you know?
- Oh!  In that case I'll tell you now. Mrs. S told me her grandson has his eye on you... I've never seen an eye out of someone... can i see her grandson's eye... do you have it???
- (LAUGH!!!)
-What's so funny?
- Oh. nothing. I lost her grandson's eye by accident
- Oh my goodness!! (she laughs)
- any other questions?
- well, your mommy said that you have a lot of luck with guys.
- yes. she did. how do you get lucky?
- umm... well, I'm not sure...
- well. how do you whether or not the boy you like has cooties or not?
- Well, you shouldn't be too concerned right now about that!
- Has a boy ever given you cooties?!?!
- You could say that...
- I'll beat them up!!!
- Jessica!! You are such a little angel, you wouldn't do that!
- ... I'll need nail polish remover, some hot glue, and a blow torch.....
- JESSICA. We are in church!
- (laughs) sorry Miss Jenkins (gives me a hug)
(we are seated at mass)
Jessica is singing VERY loud
and i tell her she has a beautiful little voice
and during the middle of the priest sermon she responds (10 minutes later)

this little girl made my day :)


see, look, and understand
how i can associate
...lies   &+

with the term: confusion

i love one person.
and he likes me
does he love me?

because right now he's liking
maybe even loving
some one else as well

and i try, i try so hard
to do the same - but then
i confuse him with my actions
i confuse myself with my actions

why would i try to run away from something
that makes me so happy
since i ran away
I'll run back

will i make it?
will this place that is so familiar to me
still be there?

why is he with her
when he knows ill love him more
than she could...
or anyone else could...
i wanna prove myself but she's KINDA in my way

... so take her out of the picture
put me back in

i know your not happy right now
i can see it
everyone can see it
stop trying to lie and convince your self

you know I'm unhappy with out you
and you owned up pretty much
that you are unhappy without me

so can we please just make each other happy

not immediately.
because when we were once happy
i took that happiness
and turned it into complete utter sadness

now i have to prove
i won't make the same
mistake this time around

i promise.

Friday, December 3, 2010

what a mess!

You may think you have a mess
something so confusedand thrown together; torn apart,
its hard to unravel? solve? un-tangle?

well i know this is one of the cases...

he loved me, i loved him
he loves someone else... im in love with him
he still loves me possibly while lhes loving someone else i still love him but i dont want to

i move on
someone loves me
i love them - but still love someone else
i love him, love someone else
then he tells me he never loved me

i love his best friend
he still loves me even though he said he doesnt
they argue over me
they both fight and say im not worth it
and i love no one
and no one loves me

^^^ that actually makes sense
and i give you props if you can iunderstand it

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Who are you?

after being hurt
after being attacked
after being abused

do you want to ask
who are you

I've realized i know no one
not one single person
... i don't know him
... i don't know her

the scary thing is
i don't know myself

but then THINK harder
i do know him...
i do know her...
i do know myself...

i just wish i didn't because
i don't like
what he, she, or i
have become

its sick
how pain takes place
how forgiveness comes so quickly
how forgiveness may not be given

nothing is ever perfectly fine
not here
not now
something has to go wrong
otherwise, to me,
its not normal

don't tell me
he doesn't deserve me...
she isn't a good friend...
or that i did nothing wrong...

when the truth is
he deserves forgiveness
she deserves forgiveness

...and i screw up

for me...
do i deserve forgiveness
you tell me..

i still want to know -
who are you?

--> d.m.j. </3

answer this.

answer this
OK. here goes nothing-

a question to make you think
a question to make you consider
can we go back...?
please, if possible
can we go back?

back to win you were my hero; an inspiration
when i admired you
could we go back to that place
the comfort zone

where i would tell you my deepest secret
and you'd share yours too
back to when i felt special because i was the
 1 out of the 2450 people that go to our school
that knew your secret

i don't judge: you knew it once before
but now has that fact that was once known
faded in your memory?

you were there for me through tears
after one day of just confiding in you all my stupid worries
the thing that surprised me was that you cared; you listened

you were there for me
making me laugh so hard
I'd through my vitamin water at you :)
in the middle of history

i backed you up
i tore people down who talked about you
i was there for you also

When we first met - instant attraction
but no commitments
we departed and went to new people
then when we split with them
we came back together as friends
the best friends
then it came into something more than best friends
again no commitment
which we both liked... up until now

so i want to go back
you want to go back
the question is...
how do we get there?

so do me the favor...
...and answer this


Friday, November 26, 2010

something to think about it complete darkness

i know you will be great
i know you will love
and be the fire in some one's heart
... why can't it be mine?

if the lights burned out
if i took away the stars and the moon
if i kidnapped the sun

you would be the only source of light
you would still be shining
in my eyes

~d.m.j <3


Well, i am off the walls today.
So. I'm not allowing myself out of the house or being in contact with people
because i may accidentally attack them :D
(my uncle gave me gum... which contains caffeine... BAD IDEA)

so right now i am trying to calm myself so I'm doing a facial... and i forgot i had it on
and i answered the door
i think i just gave the mail man a heart attack....
(i feel bad now : /) and embarrassed

I'm trying to really think about some things...
and how to make decisions. I'm really like trying to get over him
and like i don't know if I should be
because I think i may be in a whole thing of regret
but then if i don't like that's just pathetic!

the thing about regret is...
its complex
some people just sit there and think back on it saying how stupid they were
but I'm coming out of that stage -
the next stage is action
this is when you do something to change your past actions that you "regret"
... i just don't know what I'm going to do yet;
i finally understand what he was saying now
and I'm SO going to prove myself right

and yes some things aren't worth fighting for
but after so much thought
this one... is

Thursday, November 25, 2010

wow haha i just realized...

its moments like this when i realize my young youth.
and how "silly" i am and then "immature" comes to mind...

yes. i am still going to write
no. i am not gonna feel bad for myself anymore!

don't get me wrong when something upsets me I will write about it and say what i want to say but I will not carry on and on about it.

I think i'm a strong person- and by me writing like I've experienced hell, well it makes me seem like the weakest...

so- I think i was depressed
now im just a little sad but am happy
and like everyone else
my goal is true happiness :)
Happy Thanksgiving <3

Sunday, November 21, 2010

well this explains how i feel!!!!!

The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love- love someone else.
If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go.
  If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.
The hottest love has the coldest end.
  Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never... never forget it.
  Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, Pain of love lasts a lifetime.
  I self-destruct every relationship so that I don't get hurt... but in truth I just hurt myself worse in the long run.
  I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes-good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
  Falling in love is awfully simple, but falling out of love is simply awful.
  I don’t know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every part of my body is broken too.
Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense.
  If love is shelter, I'm going to walk in the rain.
  Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.
  Never try to define love. Once defined love is confined. Once confined -- It dies.
In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities
Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies
In my wildest dreams, you always play the hero. In my darkest hour of night, you rescue me, you save my life
I love you, not only for what you are, But also for what I am when I am with you
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own
 See there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me
In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing
To be your friend was all I ever wanted; to be your lover was all I ever dreamed

have you ever thought?

We were given...
- two hands to hold
- two legs to walk
- two eyes to see
- two ears to listen
~ but why only one heart?
the other one was given to someone else...
 ... for us to find <3


Never to run
Never to hide, Never to seek
But will always find

You and me and nobody else

Never to peek
Never to glance
Never to look

But will always search

For the good you find
Deep inside out of everybody

Love at first was what it was it just didn’t happen
Because you and me
Were meant to be
A couple a pair
Now you see

You love me
And I love you
Feeling reciprocal
It is true

Never to imagine
Never to forget
Never to remember
But will always know

I’ll be there
For you <333

English Story

well we had to write a story for English; and people liked mine so i'm going to write it on here...

   Lying in bed. Three pillows supporting my head, but I refuse to cover myself with the quilt. thinking to myself how i wsnt to plunder his dreams; just to discover what he's looking gor; the one thing i'm not supplying. And by him its not directed to any specific person, but directed to someone who is meant for me. I close my eyes with invocation in my mind. i need a muse; i need inspiration! Everything is positive about my "right person", but i can't bare imagine the thought of finding him then having him go away... its formidable. The person is valiant; and will protect me. He is guile and will have a solution to every negative circumstance. He will sustain me. Our love will be prodigious, and he'll have the capability to muster my heart, my soul, and my thoughts, and feelings. But above all... best of all he'll be mine
again close my eyes with invocation and pray for muse... <3

Saturday, November 20, 2010

promises that i will keep....

so... everyone i haven't written for a while
because i screw...
that ever has made me happy
up --->

Me and him are talking again. I guess I'm just going to refer to him (as him )since i can't call him my love anymore (...and as i just wrote that my chest/ heart just hurt --- really bad...)
i can still feel, see, and hear the pain i caused him in his voice; in his words that he has finally spoke to me.
i have never been so grateful in my life for anything else as when he talked to me
but this is when the happy sad glad kicks in

before he performed in the play i talked; he listened. and as i was talking i realized that he was actually listening for the first time in a week.... when I'm used to talking to him for 12 hours each day and kissing him constantly.when i could tell him "i love you" and he'd say "i love you more..."
then i began to silently cry - we were talking in a dimmed area so i don't think he could see the tears streaking down my cheek but he could hear it in my voice. it was originally a happy tear because he was talking to me but then i felt like a bitch because
I'm the one that got myself into this mess
I'm the one that pushed him away
I'm the on who pushed the best thing that ever happened to me away...
how am i capable of doing something so stupid.

then he hugged me - instead of making me feel better it made me want to die
because it wasn't the normal embrace i was use to
it was a 1/4 of it

,,,, it was the meaningless hug  when I'm use to the hug letting me know
that he would love me forever... and now i realize instead of loving me forever he will never love me again

but then and only then did i realize that he will never love me again

..... never
so now all that is left inside of me is... well ...threre's nothing
he took everything and he still has it

the play i was watching had a scene in it and it was about a girl bringing back all the love the boy ever gave to her and she wanted the love back that she gave to him.... because she was now empty

...... and i related to that scene so much that it bothered me, because i wish i was that girl GIVING back the love. instead of giving it back i practically threw it at his face... and he couldn't give my love back because when i was so hateful to him ----my love probably disappeared; vanished anything that i had ever made him feel probably went away

in reality it didn't vanish...
in reality i think I'm going to stick to my promise  
the promise i promised him
and myself
promises are meant to be kept
... right?

Monday, November 15, 2010

its going to be ok...

hey guys i wrote this song....

It only works out
When you least expect it to
At least for me
Never for you

You always get what you want
You’re nothing special

You don’t need to even ask
Not a task
Because you make it someone else’s

When I expect the good
I receive the bad
When I hope for the best
I end up with the worst –
Which is never seeing it happen to you

But I won’t give up [no]
I won’t give in
Something needs to change

I hold me head up high
My limits the sky
And my goal is to
Get over you

And this time
It going to work out
Cause I expect it to

And its going to work for me
And maybe you’ll be
The one
Breaking in two

I won’t need to ask
It will be your task
This time around

Ill expect the good
But ill get the best
When I expect the worse
It won’t be even bad
At least compared to you

But I won’t give up [no]
I won’t give in
Something needs to change

I hold me head up high
my limits the sky
and my goal is to
get over you

No I didn’t give up
No I didn’t give in
Because something changed
~ dmj <333


recently i haven't been myself....
can you feel whats coming on-
YES ~ an apology

I apologize to anyone and everyone i have hurt...
i'm sorry for the hurtful, heart- breaking blogs i've written (ive deleted them all)
and i hope everyone can forgive me for being a bitch....

this is true and since
~ dmj

Saturday, November 13, 2010

if you only knew...

I don't love anyone <yet>- I strive to find someone to love though. I don't know what it feels like to be in love although I always dream about. I’m stubborn sing as loud as I can when I’m alone. I hate people who say I do things that I don't. I don't like it when people find things wrong with my friends. I love watching movies with my dad. If people say they love me - I believe then. I cry when I think of things that could possibly happen. I was sad when my book ended. I love my family and I would not be myself without them. I sing in the shower. I'm a hairbrush singer I get paranoid easily!! I care about what other people think. Nothing against the environment but tree huggers annoy me!!! I forgive but I don’t forget! I have deodorant that is called Sexy Thang and whenever I use it I laugh!!! I try to dance in my car. I'm funny to some people annoying to others. I hate commercials that say suicide may occur by taking this drug! I love back to school shopping. I never have been to a funeral or wedding. I hide my freckles! I laugh too much. Sometimes I either hate myself or love myself but all of the above is ok because I am who I want to be ; ] most Americans breath backwards when we breath in our stomach is suppose to go out not in. when we breathe out our stomach is suppose to get smaller!!! FEARLESS is owning up to being fearful. I will take ten years off my life just to see a close friend live an extra week. I own 548 crayons. I have cracked my compact mirror attempting to sing opera. I cry during the Notebook. I believe in god and will never doubt him. I’m allergic to white out (BAD EXPERIENCE) -à this was written for all my anonymous readers so they can feel like they know me better xoxo ~dmj

in life

In life,
You either say yes
Or no
In life you make Decisions
some hard
Some easy
Some important
Some not
In life you make a choice
A choice of what is right
And what is wrong
Some of us choose the right path
But many times we choose the wrong
But in life
We can redeem ourselves
And we can become better
but sometimes …
We don’t à other times we do
Life is full of challenges, fears, scares, and love
And I think it’s about time
We go out there and face it all