Saturday, November 20, 2010

promises that i will keep....

so... everyone i haven't written for a while
because i screw...
EVERYTHING and ANYTHING
that ever has made me happy
up --->

Me and him are talking again. I guess I'm just going to refer to him (as him )since i can't call him my love anymore (...and as i just wrote that my chest/ heart just hurt --- really bad...)
i can still feel, see, and hear the pain i caused him in his voice; in his words that he has finally spoke to me.
i have never been so grateful in my life for anything else as when he talked to me
but this is when the happy sad glad kicks in

before he performed in the play i talked; he listened. and as i was talking i realized that he was actually listening for the first time in a week.... when I'm used to talking to him for 12 hours each day and kissing him constantly.when i could tell him "i love you" and he'd say "i love you more..."
then i began to silently cry - we were talking in a dimmed area so i don't think he could see the tears streaking down my cheek but he could hear it in my voice. it was originally a happy tear because he was talking to me but then i felt like a bitch because
I'm the one that got myself into this mess
I'm the one that pushed him away
I'm the on who pushed the best thing that ever happened to me away...
how am i capable of doing something so stupid.

then he hugged me - instead of making me feel better it made me want to die
because it wasn't the normal embrace i was use to
it was a 1/4 of it

,,,, it was the meaningless hug  when I'm use to the hug letting me know
that he would love me forever... and now i realize instead of loving me forever he will never love me again

but then and only then did i realize that he will never love me again

..... never
so now all that is left inside of me is... well ...threre's nothing
he took everything and he still has it

the play i was watching had a scene in it and it was about a girl bringing back all the love the boy ever gave to her and she wanted the love back that she gave to him.... because she was now empty

...... and i related to that scene so much that it bothered me, because i wish i was that girl GIVING back the love. instead of giving it back i practically threw it at his face... and he couldn't give my love back because when i was so hateful to him ----my love probably disappeared; vanished anything that i had ever made him feel probably went away

in reality it didn't vanish...
in reality i think I'm going to stick to my promise  
the promise i promised him
and myself
promises are meant to be kept
... right?

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