Sunday, December 12, 2010

House of Safety and Love

Went to church and class today.
I didn't want to go to church but I did -
and I saw the thing that I wanted more
than anything
and it may sound stupid to you but just seeing it made me happy
- true love

there's a couple of the age 94 and 98
the woman's 94
and the mans 98

the woman is so adorable in a long overcoat all bundled up moving at a quick pace
but of course taking tiny steps.
and the mans far behind, because he's chubby and more out of shape and aged
but he used all his energy just to beat her to the church door
so he could open it for her.
that small gesture of true love just lightened my day.

This fact may be surprising to you because of my young age but I like church
I'm not like a bible thumper, which you might think by reading this but, anyone that knows me knows that is not true! I like church because its a house full of strangers, friends, family, and acquaintances- and yet its a house full of safety and love. And while at church I don't pay much attention. I say the prayers, sing the songs, and then I think; gather my thoughts.

That's one reason why I didn't want to go today, I'd be thinking
and i think about how my life is, what I'm doing right, what I'm doing wrong, and who's making me happy
AND i thought today- and all my thoughts drifted back to him, every single time I get away from thinking about him... they go back to him. All thoughts lead to him somehow. but these thoughts weren't sad, they weren't happy either. They were just there leaving me emotionless.

They were memories, reminding me that nothing like that is going to happen anytime soon
which I don't mind
because the outcome of those memories
were happiness, tears, heart ache, and then there was nothing

and the worst thing is not feeling anything
its better to feel pain, than nothing at all - and that's where i am now

Just keep telling myself one day I'll be like that old couple and there will be some one rushing to get the door for me <3

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