Saturday, November 27, 2010

Who are you?

after being hurt
after being attacked
after being abused

do you want to ask
who are you

I've realized i know no one
not one single person
... i don't know him
... i don't know her

the scary thing is
i don't know myself

but then THINK harder
i do know him...
i do know her...
i do know myself...

i just wish i didn't because
i don't like
what he, she, or i
have become

its sick
how pain takes place
how forgiveness comes so quickly
how forgiveness may not be given

nothing is ever perfectly fine
not here
not now
something has to go wrong
otherwise, to me,
its not normal

don't tell me
he doesn't deserve me...
she isn't a good friend...
or that i did nothing wrong...

when the truth is
he deserves forgiveness
she deserves forgiveness

...and i screw up

for me...
do i deserve forgiveness
you tell me..


i still want to know -
who are you?

--> d.m.j. </3

answer this.

answer this
OK. here goes nothing-

a question to make you think
a question to make you consider
can we go back...?
please, if possible
can we go back?

back to win you were my hero; an inspiration
when i admired you
could we go back to that place
the comfort zone

where i would tell you my deepest secret
and you'd share yours too
back to when i felt special because i was the
 1 out of the 2450 people that go to our school
that knew your secret

i don't judge: you knew it once before
but now has that fact that was once known
faded in your memory?

you were there for me through tears
after one day of just confiding in you all my stupid worries
the thing that surprised me was that you cared; you listened

you were there for me
making me laugh so hard
I'd through my vitamin water at you :)
in the middle of history

i backed you up
i tore people down who talked about you
i was there for you also

When we first met - instant attraction
but no commitments
we departed and went to new people
then when we split with them
we came back together as friends
the best friends
then it came into something more than best friends
again no commitment
which we both liked... up until now

so i want to go back
you want to go back
the question is...
how do we get there?

so do me the favor...
...and answer this

~d.m.j

Friday, November 26, 2010

something to think about it complete darkness

i know you will be great
i know you will love
and be the fire in some one's heart
... why can't it be mine?

if the lights burned out
if i took away the stars and the moon
if i kidnapped the sun

you would be the only source of light
you would still be shining
in my eyes

~d.m.j <3

BLACK FRIDAY!!!

Well, i am off the walls today.
So. I'm not allowing myself out of the house or being in contact with people
because i may accidentally attack them :D
(my uncle gave me gum... which contains caffeine... BAD IDEA)

so right now i am trying to calm myself so I'm doing a facial... and i forgot i had it on
and i answered the door
i think i just gave the mail man a heart attack....
(i feel bad now : /) and embarrassed

I'm trying to really think about some things...
and how to make decisions. I'm really like trying to get over him
and like i don't know if I should be
because I think i may be in a whole thing of regret
but then if i don't like that's just pathetic!

the thing about regret is...
its complex
some people just sit there and think back on it saying how stupid they were
but I'm coming out of that stage -
the next stage is action
this is when you do something to change your past actions that you "regret"
... i just don't know what I'm going to do yet;
i finally understand what he was saying now
and I'm SO going to prove myself right

and yes some things aren't worth fighting for
but after so much thought
this one... is

Thursday, November 25, 2010

wow haha i just realized...

its moments like this when i realize my young youth.
and how "silly" i am and then "immature" comes to mind...

yes. i am still going to write
no. i am not gonna feel bad for myself anymore!

don't get me wrong when something upsets me I will write about it and say what i want to say but I will not carry on and on about it.

I think i'm a strong person- and by me writing like I've experienced hell, well it makes me seem like the weakest...

so- I think i was depressed
now im just a little sad but am happy
and like everyone else
my goal is true happiness :)
Happy Thanksgiving <3

Sunday, November 21, 2010

well this explains how i feel!!!!!

 
The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love- love someone else.
If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go.
  If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.
The hottest love has the coldest end.
  Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never... never forget it.
  Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, Pain of love lasts a lifetime.
  I self-destruct every relationship so that I don't get hurt... but in truth I just hurt myself worse in the long run.
  I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes-good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
  Falling in love is awfully simple, but falling out of love is simply awful.
  I don’t know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every part of my body is broken too.
Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense.
  If love is shelter, I'm going to walk in the rain.
  Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.
  Never try to define love. Once defined love is confined. Once confined -- It dies.
In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities
Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies
In my wildest dreams, you always play the hero. In my darkest hour of night, you rescue me, you save my life
I love you, not only for what you are, But also for what I am when I am with you
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own
 See there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me
In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing
To be your friend was all I ever wanted; to be your lover was all I ever dreamed

have you ever thought?

We were given...
- two hands to hold
- two legs to walk
- two eyes to see
- two ears to listen
~ but why only one heart?
because-
the other one was given to someone else...
 ... for us to find <3

Find

Never to run
Never to hide, Never to seek
But will always find

You and me and nobody else

Never to peek
Never to glance
Never to look

But will always search


For the good you find
Deep inside out of everybody
Surrounding
 You

Love at first was what it was it just didn’t happen
Because you and me
Were meant to be
A couple a pair
Now you see

You love me
And I love you
Feeling reciprocal
It is true

Never to imagine
Never to forget
Never to remember
But will always know

That
I’ll be there
For you <333

English Story

well we had to write a story for English; and people liked mine so i'm going to write it on here...

   Lying in bed. Three pillows supporting my head, but I refuse to cover myself with the quilt. thinking to myself how i wsnt to plunder his dreams; just to discover what he's looking gor; the one thing i'm not supplying. And by him its not directed to any specific person, but directed to someone who is meant for me. I close my eyes with invocation in my mind. i need a muse; i need inspiration! Everything is positive about my "right person", but i can't bare imagine the thought of finding him then having him go away... its formidable. The person is valiant; and will protect me. He is guile and will have a solution to every negative circumstance. He will sustain me. Our love will be prodigious, and he'll have the capability to muster my heart, my soul, and my thoughts, and feelings. But above all... best of all he'll be mine
again close my eyes with invocation and pray for muse... <3

Saturday, November 20, 2010

promises that i will keep....

so... everyone i haven't written for a while
because i screw...
EVERYTHING and ANYTHING
that ever has made me happy
up --->

Me and him are talking again. I guess I'm just going to refer to him (as him )since i can't call him my love anymore (...and as i just wrote that my chest/ heart just hurt --- really bad...)
i can still feel, see, and hear the pain i caused him in his voice; in his words that he has finally spoke to me.
i have never been so grateful in my life for anything else as when he talked to me
but this is when the happy sad glad kicks in

before he performed in the play i talked; he listened. and as i was talking i realized that he was actually listening for the first time in a week.... when I'm used to talking to him for 12 hours each day and kissing him constantly.when i could tell him "i love you" and he'd say "i love you more..."
then i began to silently cry - we were talking in a dimmed area so i don't think he could see the tears streaking down my cheek but he could hear it in my voice. it was originally a happy tear because he was talking to me but then i felt like a bitch because
I'm the one that got myself into this mess
I'm the one that pushed him away
I'm the on who pushed the best thing that ever happened to me away...
how am i capable of doing something so stupid.

then he hugged me - instead of making me feel better it made me want to die
because it wasn't the normal embrace i was use to
it was a 1/4 of it

,,,, it was the meaningless hug  when I'm use to the hug letting me know
that he would love me forever... and now i realize instead of loving me forever he will never love me again

but then and only then did i realize that he will never love me again

..... never
so now all that is left inside of me is... well ...threre's nothing
he took everything and he still has it

the play i was watching had a scene in it and it was about a girl bringing back all the love the boy ever gave to her and she wanted the love back that she gave to him.... because she was now empty

...... and i related to that scene so much that it bothered me, because i wish i was that girl GIVING back the love. instead of giving it back i practically threw it at his face... and he couldn't give my love back because when i was so hateful to him ----my love probably disappeared; vanished anything that i had ever made him feel probably went away

in reality it didn't vanish...
in reality i think I'm going to stick to my promise  
the promise i promised him
and myself
promises are meant to be kept
... right?

Monday, November 15, 2010

its going to be ok...

hey guys i wrote this song....

It only works out
When you least expect it to
At least for me
Never for you

You always get what you want
Yet
You’re nothing special


You don’t need to even ask
Not a task
Because you make it someone else’s

When I expect the good
I receive the bad
When I hope for the best
I end up with the worst –
Which is never seeing it happen to you

Chorus:
But I won’t give up [no]
I won’t give in
Something needs to change

I hold me head up high
My limits the sky
And my goal is to
Get over you


And this time
It going to work out
Cause I expect it to

And its going to work for me
And maybe you’ll be
The one
Breaking in two

I won’t need to ask
It will be your task
This time around


Ill expect the good
But ill get the best
When I expect the worse
It won’t be even bad
At least compared to you

                                                               Chorus:
But I won’t give up [no]
I won’t give in
Something needs to change

I hold me head up high
my limits the sky
and my goal is to
get over you

No I didn’t give up
No I didn’t give in
Because something changed
~ dmj <333

apologize

recently i haven't been myself....
can you feel whats coming on-
YES ~ an apology

I apologize to anyone and everyone i have hurt...
i'm sorry for the hurtful, heart- breaking blogs i've written (ive deleted them all)
and i hope everyone can forgive me for being a bitch....

this is true and since
~ dmj

Saturday, November 13, 2010

if you only knew...

I don't love anyone <yet>- I strive to find someone to love though. I don't know what it feels like to be in love although I always dream about. I’m stubborn sing as loud as I can when I’m alone. I hate people who say I do things that I don't. I don't like it when people find things wrong with my friends. I love watching movies with my dad. If people say they love me - I believe then. I cry when I think of things that could possibly happen. I was sad when my book ended. I love my family and I would not be myself without them. I sing in the shower. I'm a hairbrush singer I get paranoid easily!! I care about what other people think. Nothing against the environment but tree huggers annoy me!!! I forgive but I don’t forget! I have deodorant that is called Sexy Thang and whenever I use it I laugh!!! I try to dance in my car. I'm funny to some people annoying to others. I hate commercials that say suicide may occur by taking this drug! I love back to school shopping. I never have been to a funeral or wedding. I hide my freckles! I laugh too much. Sometimes I either hate myself or love myself but all of the above is ok because I am who I want to be ; ] most Americans breath backwards when we breath in our stomach is suppose to go out not in. when we breathe out our stomach is suppose to get smaller!!! FEARLESS is owning up to being fearful. I will take ten years off my life just to see a close friend live an extra week. I own 548 crayons. I have cracked my compact mirror attempting to sing opera. I cry during the Notebook. I believe in god and will never doubt him. I’m allergic to white out (BAD EXPERIENCE) -à this was written for all my anonymous readers so they can feel like they know me better xoxo ~dmj

in life

In life,
You either say yes
Or no
In life you make Decisions
some hard
Some easy
Some important
Some not
In life you make a choice
A choice of what is right
And what is wrong
Some of us choose the right path
But many times we choose the wrong
But in life
We can redeem ourselves
And we can become better
but sometimes …
We don’t à other times we do
Life is full of challenges, fears, scares, and love
And I think it’s about time
We go out there and face it all
Together…

~dmj<3

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

So - this is it

So this is it
The thing I’ve been waiting for-
And its been waiting for me
Once a mystery
That has know been resolved

And then the truth kicks in
The fantasy; shattered glass
And the realization stings
You never meant it

Warnings I received…
 And didn’t listen to
I should’ve known
The words were meaningless

“I love you”
How can a phrase so important
Become so over used?
And a lie, I was once told

I’m thankful
I was kicked out of fantasy
And brought back
To pathetic reality

~ d.m.j

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

instructions.... follow carefully ;)

 Not only should you be loud when you’re alone
You should be loud in public
Share your feelings with the crowd
Be honest and true to people, and also yourself

Dare to dream
Long to love
Ask questions
Smile at strangers
Dance in your car (or at least attempt it... DON'T distract the driver)

Instead of yelling -scream
Instead of hopping -jump
Instead of jogging- run

Instead of searching for compliments....give them
Be nice to the people you hate
Admire the people your jealous of
And share the love

If you do all these things your life will be 50% better
And your life 100% brighter

~d.m.j