90th day

No One knows
but i Keep track

of how many times
you make me smile

how many times
you make me laugh

how many times
I think of you
(for this one I lost track)

How many times you
told me you loved me

How many times
we kissed in a day

How many times
you make me happy
(this one is every day)

How many days I thought about loving you +
How many days I did Love you +
How many days I am in love with you =
Today is the 90th day

how i act

I'm a very open person with the people i know
a very shy person with the people I don't trust
Careful with the people i love
And Crazy with acquaintances

So I vent to the people I know
and they really listen
and they want me to make a movie about my life
but who wants to watch that? I mean I can't keep track
of my own life- so this would be one hell of a confusing movie

Sadly, I don't trust a lot of people
And I give EVERYONE second chances
but, nothings every completely erased if you keep
on doing the same thing over and over again
So i tell them nothing but the obvious
and they want to know more but,
they ruined their privilege
they can earn it back but,
few try

I'm careful with the people I love
And if you have read my blog
you must know I love a lot :)
and if I'm not careful
I end up hurt
but if I'm too careful
I end up even more hurt

And I'm crazy with acquaintances
I am myself on first impressions
because I don't want them to think I'm some one I'm not
sometimes I scare people off BUT
wouldn't I eventually scare them off anyway?!
But I'm known for my 'craziness'
but there's more to me than just being crazy

you have a plan...

RAWR!
GRRR!
UGH!

Yes. I woke up this morning and made those noise with out a care in the world!  And Yes. Yes, I was thinking of him and how he never leaves my mind! He is unwelcome!!! It's so aggravating!

I'm trying to cling on to something I don't think i have - and it's probably driving any one who knows me insane.

But for once in my life I'm going to be selfish! And I'm going to love him whether people like it or not!

And I'm going to think of everything
ways to show I care
ways to tell him i love him
ways to spend time with him

but then again PATIENCE id everything
now more than ever....
I hate waiting for something good to happen to me

well if it is him in the end
its worth the wait <3

Fortune Cookie On Christmas!

I really love Christmas, no matter what everyone seems to forget about the past on this one day and everyone appears to make ammends. It fills everyone up with pure happiness!

Well anywho, I had a fortune cookie waiting on my pillow before I went to bed! I swaer, I'm a little freaked out at how they keep on appearing randomly but this time I actuaally had Chinese food so it was more normal.

So I opened it and it linked again to the past fortune cookies-
"You're love is creating a heart"


and it was late and i fell asleep and well, I LOST THE FORTUNE : (

well, like the fortune cookie once said before
"right now more than ever you have to be patient"

Intuition from Dreams II

Well, I figured out what the dream was! Nothing bad happened, its really personal so I'm not going to write it on here though! Sorry

DECEMBER 22

stupid December 22 day
I hate you
I hate this day

I wish I hated him like this day
but no - he 'cares"
he says

NO please, don't care it means that
I have some little importance to you
and when i know that - i still love you nice going

so i tell you not to care
and you tell me you'll always care

then I yell at you for making me feel special
then you tell me that i am special

ugh this week i managed to somehow convince myself to
"un - love" you

well all of my so called 'efforts' just vanished

yeah, look at the mess you caused by being perfect!

that place

You know in the romantic movies how the boy or girl
takes the love of their life to their "special place"
that secret, private place that you can run to
lay down and just breath, or a place you can hide and think

Well I've had that place for the past four years
its nearby and I run there for help about so many things
and no one knows
No One

but I've had the sudden urge to show someone this place
I want it to snow
I want to ring his door bell
and I want to tell him to follow me
and He'll follow me, or I'll drag him there

and he'll have no clue of where i brought him and
he will just look and think ok... why am i here
and then i'll tell him to sit on that rock a lay back
breath in and clear his mind and he'll understand

maybe he will realize who i am
this is my deepest darkest secret
see I never really liked him he
was just there for me at all the right moments
thats what was special
and one day who knows...?
it could be affectionate but right now I just want him to be there for me again
like I'm there for him right now

i hope it happenes.

House of Safety and Love

Went to church and class today.
I didn't want to go to church but I did -
and I saw the thing that I wanted more
than anything
and it may sound stupid to you but just seeing it made me happy
- true love

there's a couple of the age 94 and 98
the woman's 94
and the mans 98

the woman is so adorable in a long overcoat all bundled up moving at a quick pace
but of course taking tiny steps.
and the mans far behind, because he's chubby and more out of shape and aged
but he used all his energy just to beat her to the church door
so he could open it for her.
that small gesture of true love just lightened my day.

This fact may be surprising to you because of my young age but I like church
I'm not like a bible thumper, which you might think by reading this but, anyone that knows me knows that is not true! I like church because its a house full of strangers, friends, family, and acquaintances- and yet its a house full of safety and love. And while at church I don't pay much attention. I say the prayers, sing the songs, and then I think; gather my thoughts.

That's one reason why I didn't want to go today, I'd be thinking
and i think about how my life is, what I'm doing right, what I'm doing wrong, and who's making me happy
AND i thought today- and all my thoughts drifted back to him, every single time I get away from thinking about him... they go back to him. All thoughts lead to him somehow. but these thoughts weren't sad, they weren't happy either. They were just there leaving me emotionless.

They were memories, reminding me that nothing like that is going to happen anytime soon
which I don't mind
because the outcome of those memories
were happiness, tears, heart ache, and then there was nothing

and the worst thing is not feeling anything
its better to feel pain, than nothing at all - and that's where i am now

Just keep telling myself one day I'll be like that old couple and there will be some one rushing to get the door for me <3

Caroling

so last night-
i went caroling... which is not as easy and innocent as it looks
yes i said "easy" and "innocent"

it wasn't easy because some guys had to carry the canned goods
and THEN everyone had to sing in the FREEZING COLD
... but a good deed is a good deed <3

oh I almost forget... us carolers are NOT as sweet and innocent as we look
well at least I'm not, I have some pretty funny stories

so one house we got to is where a VERY OLD lady lived,
and apparently she could barely hear...
so we had to sing VERY LOUD, obnoxiously loud
and then she didn't come to the door and as us carolers are walking away i go,
"WAIT! What if she's so old she can't walk and she struggling to get to the door!"
I was SERIOUS... but sounded pretty stupid so "can she walk? " was the insider of the night.

And then we go to this house, (this is was good)
and we keep on singing and knocking on the door because our group was
persistent for Haven For Hunger...
yeah this wicked hot guy answers the door and says "I'm kinda busy..." and of course
I blurt out, "HE"S SLEEPING WITH SOME ONE!"
..........
yeah - i really said that and I thought he went back inside but no, he was still there. I don't know if he heard me though :)

This one wasn't really funny BUT like it seemed like something that would be put in a movie-
My friend asked how their dog Buddy was...
they say "Oh. Buddy passed away... he's in the back yard-"
and I'm thinking smooth... smooth one
BUT they still made a very generous donation!!
(oh and I pretty much fell over laughing at this house...)

AND THEN>>>
there was a car whipping around the corner
"Car! Speed! Quick! Drunk! Ah!"
yup, i said that ha ha ha <3

caroling was so much fun <333

Intuition from dreams

none of you have heard this story
except a few
a very small few

two weeks before Christmas had began
it was the year 2003
and i continuously had a repetitive dream
it was exactly like a dream though,
it was a slide show of sounds and images

- The Cross
- A Christmas tree
- a car
- a scream NO-"
- snow
- and a cross walk
- and an alarm going off at 5:17

it was odd, not scary at all just odd

Walking to our car from church on Christmas Eve it was snowing and I was on the cross walk and my father was a little behind me. A car came to a stop so I was crossing and then everyone was crossing but when I was walking in front of the car the stepped on the gas by an accident and bumped me hard enough to knock me over.My mother screamed "NO" I wasn't hurt, not even bruised but my dad and several other men hit and slammed the hood of the man's car, around 5:15ish , which i assume now was 5:17
it took me a while to actually apply my dream to reality.

Now I've been having the same slide show type dream
-"Needless to say..."
- "Calm down..."
- My friend crying
- Me bleeding (not self - inflicted wounds)
- "Don't worry"
-"shh..."
-Outside Christmas lights

this dream however, gives off an eerie feeling...
and now
me being older
I'm trying to figure it out.

ugh...

well.
I'm very tired
my eyes are heavy with sleep
its a strain to move any
part of my body

BED! finally - I've been up since 5:00 am
oh no... where did my bed go?

oh so they decided to disassemble it today
great.

walk downstairs sleep on couch
listen to music
great.

they are all songs of getting over people
then I realized today
I got over him;
ugh I'm too tired to lie
never mind
yeah, I'm going to bed
on my comfy couch

life's good.
good night <3

Forget

Nope.
Never. Ever. NEVER
will I forget you.
Even if i have Alzheimer's I'll remember you
so don't even suggest it

because i refuse to forget...
the best thing that's ever happened to me

i can't forget this, you, what it was...
it will ruin me - and if you forget me
it will ruin you too
i don't know how, but it will!

no one's ever affected me like you have
you can control what I'm thinking
what I'm feeling
how I'm acting
and then even when i don't want to
i care about what you're feeling
what you're thinking
and how you're acting

... I've been advised to be patient
so no i won't forget about you
I'll just let you figure things out...
and be patient during the process....
i love you

The Increase

The Increase in your cause
The Increase of the Whispers
The whispers that affect

When you're near my pulse
it stops; pauses
then continues... it increases speed

you affect me
the way i feel
you have the power to build me up
then knock me down

saying i love you also gives you the option
to hurt me- because you have that control.

Still he has that power
and i can't take it away
because i still love him
and if I want the power back

i need to stop loving him
... he's going to have the power for a while
and he'll always affect me

Fortune Cookie

I know not everyone believes in god, but I do and this story is just absolutely crazy and amazing whether you believe in him or not <3

So, I broke down yesterday - and decided not to go to school. It was a half a day any ways! So I completely vented out to my mom (yup I'm pathetic) but I've had no clue on what to do. She loves to give advice. I'll write what i said to her, but i was going on and on so don't expect it to make any sense...

"Mom! I'm tired of this. It hurts my heart hurts and you're probably gonna laugh at me and tell me I'm only a teenager but don't say that- I'm fully aware of my age! I'm not fully aware of what I'm feeling though. My heart hurts and that's not an exaggeration it legit HURTS and its not only heart ache- my whole body feels like its gonna shatter! I don't know if its love or just me being an obsessive annoying bitch! He says he loves her... he said he LOVES her! When you love someone can you love only one person? Because I want him to love me like I love him, he once did! I promise you mom, i love him I may not be IN love with him- but its so close! But, if he loves her, I would hate her but i don't because she makes him happy- do you see what he's doing to me?! He's making me like a girl who is beating me, she winning him and i like her just because he's happy!" (i start laughing because I'm so embarrassed i just confessed my love life to my mother)

Then my mom say "hmmm... i know why you don't hate this girl. It's because she makes him happy - and when you love someone its their happiness that matters to you, not yourself"

Then  I say "I should be more selfish... ha ha... but, then again, I don't think he's truly happy."

Then my mom says, "make him happy."

Then I say, "This is so awkward. make him happy that could be interpreted wrongly... what do I do?? What can I do?! i don't want to interfere. help me"

Then my mom says "I'm not gonna help you on this one. Ask god for help."

Then I say, "God has more important situations than my teenage love life."

Then my mom says, "God knows better than anyone how you feel. He gave you those feelings. You never know! I have to go to work. Relax. I love you."

Then i say,"Love you too."

Twenty minutes later i go upstairs in my cabinet to take Tylenol because i had a massive head ache and there's a random fortune cookie. So i say out loud "God i need advice; an answer - let this be yours..."
and I crack it open...
and read...
"Right now, more than ever, you need to be patient."

And i screamed <3
because
1. THAT"S AN EPIC ANSWER
2. I WAS PISSED BECAUSE I"M NOT PATIENT!!

but, I'm very grateful <3

*** this story is not exaggerated at all***

how you love me now

You were talking to her
But messing with me
It's finally clear
You're blurring the lines
Are you disturbed?
Oh now you care
Why do you race through my red lights?

Can't understand?
I'll slow it down for you

Tell me how can you sleep?
How can you breathe?
Baby tell me how
How you love me now
Save it for her
I'm not gonna hear
Your reasons and please-just-take-me-backs
We never were right
Don't waste your breath
You crashed and you're on your own tonight

Lights out
I've found out my falling star
Goodbye
The sun rises here
There's no more you and I

Tell me how can you sleep?
How can you breathe?
I hate when you say
How you love me now

Formspring fights and feudes

Hello! Recently on my formspring and on several other pages i have been the topic. and now it has to stop - this isn't directed directly to you its directed to everyone I'm friends with on formspring and anyone else who has been on my page.
Recently there has been much too much drama on my page and several others. My life is great so don't try to bring me down because you people are the ones who look foolish. Half of the stuff you are saying are lies and shit -- and to be honest drama on formspring is stupid- simple as that. and you being anonymous makes you pathetic
OK now everyone that is reading this is also fully aware of Chris and my break up (not to get back on the subject) but its been over for probably a month. He's over it, I'm over it -but why aren't you random people over it? It was our relationship not yours so i ask please leave us the both alone. You don't know what happened, no one really does so don't try to act like you do. Its unfair to him and me. He can respond to what he likes but if anyone writes any more on my formspring about him I'm just going to delete it.any drama filled thing im gonna delete it!

On a more serious note is a person who says I'm doing things that I'm not. well i figured out who you are and it is who i first suspected.  me and my friends all saw you keep staring at me. Don't worry you're not worth my time and I'm not telling anyone else who you are I'm actually forgiving you

Now i don't know if it was the person above who was telling me to commit suicide or if it was some other evil sugguestion. Suicide is not a joke - and don't ever suggest that to anyone, its evil. If you say that to someone on formspring and the person ends up committing suicide do you know the police can track you down and arrest you for cyber-bullying. Everyone needs to be more cautious of what they say.

Lucky for you I'm very happy and have great family and friends and love my life even if its not at its best right now so everyone sorry to disappoint you but I'm going to remain happy :D

thank you for taking the time to read this
~dmj

you are not allowed...

I'm done.
absolutely done - with everything.
and this will go out and be directed everyone i know
and everyone i do not know...

you are not allowed
to say you're my best friend
or tell me that I'm wrong or that I'm right
or that i can trust you

because you are not my best friend if
you lie about your opinions
or go behind my back
or repeat something i don't ask you to say
and if you do that
you're not my best friend... you're not even close to a friend

you are not allowed to mess with my mind
you can't say i love you in the important context
and if you mean it - I'll realize it
I'll believe it

don't play me like an instrument. (that was an attempt at humor)
I'm tired of being treated special
and then realizing i was just a nobody all along
its too much work and time
to get over it
so don't put me through it

you aren't allowed to lie
I've been lied to so many times
that when some one does it now
and its their second time ... i let them have it
you lose me and there's no winning back my friendship
lies tear me down
and make me feel stupid
... so don't go there

this is the most important one***
because its directed to the most important person***

you are not allowed to let me love you
when you love someone else
or when you have stopped loving me
because on these circumstances i don't know where we stand

you aren't allowed to let me fall in love with you
because in the end ill get hurt

^ you already broke that rule

i don't just love you
I'm in love with you
and there's no going back now
and i hate you for it

Church Story

i woke up so tired this morning, I absolutely did not want to go to church at ALL! Of course I decide to go
... and I'm so happy I did

We have a class host the mass sometimes. this week the 6th and 3rd graders were doing it. They were short of 6th graders so i volunteered to help (although I'm not a 6th grader obviously). So i was paired up with this cute adorable 3rd grader named Jessica. She was shy; but was capable of getting comfortable and carrying a conversation. So she's holding my hand and we are waiting to march down the aisle of the church. and she goes:
- _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _?
- Yes Jessica?
- i heard your mommy talking to Mrs. S...
- You did?
- Yes!!! They were talking about how your blossoming into a beautiful young lady!
- Oh well that's nice!
-I agree with them... you are beautiful, but how are you blossoming... (she whispers: are you secretly a flower)
- No!! Silly! of course not!!
- Because if you are - i promise i won't tell anyone!!!
- Jessica, i promise I'm not a flower
- OK. I believe you
- Thanks. When we are in church we can't talk we have to have respect, you know?
- Oh!  In that case I'll tell you now. Mrs. S told me her grandson has his eye on you... I've never seen an eye out of someone... can i see her grandson's eye... do you have it???
- (LAUGH!!!)
-What's so funny?
- Oh. nothing. I lost her grandson's eye by accident
- Oh my goodness!! (she laughs)
- any other questions?
- well, your mommy said that you have a lot of luck with guys.
- SHE DID?!
- yes. she did. how do you get lucky?
- umm... well, I'm not sure...
- well. how do you whether or not the boy you like has cooties or not?
- Well, you shouldn't be too concerned right now about that!
- Has a boy ever given you cooties?!?!
- You could say that...
- I'll beat them up!!!
- Jessica!! You are such a little angel, you wouldn't do that!
- ... I'll need nail polish remover, some hot glue, and a blow torch.....
- JESSICA. We are in church!
- (laughs) sorry Miss Jenkins (gives me a hug)
****
(we are seated at mass)
Jessica is singing VERY loud
and i tell her she has a beautiful little voice
and during the middle of the priest sermon she responds (10 minutes later)
** singing ** AND YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HUGE VOICE!

this little girl made my day :)

associate

see, look, and understand
how i can associate
...love
...lies   &+
...pain

with the term: confusion

i love one person.
and he likes me
does he love me?

because right now he's liking
maybe even loving
some one else as well

and i try, i try so hard
to do the same - but then
i confuse him with my actions
i confuse myself with my actions

why would i try to run away from something
that makes me so happy
since i ran away
I'll run back

will i make it?
will this place that is so familiar to me
still be there?

why is he with her
when he knows ill love him more
than she could...
or anyone else could...
i wanna prove myself but she's KINDA in my way

... so take her out of the picture
put me back in

i know your not happy right now
i can see it
everyone can see it
stop trying to lie and convince your self

you know I'm unhappy with out you
and you owned up pretty much
that you are unhappy without me

so can we please just make each other happy
again

no.
not immediately.
because when we were once happy
i took that happiness
and turned it into complete utter sadness

now i have to prove
i won't make the same
mistake this time around

i promise.

what a mess!

You may think you have a mess
something so confusedand thrown together; torn apart,
its hard to unravel? solve? un-tangle?

well i know this is one of the cases...

he loved me, i loved him
he loves someone else... im in love with him
he still loves me possibly while lhes loving someone else i still love him but i dont want to

i move on
someone loves me
i love them - but still love someone else
i love him, love someone else
then he tells me he never loved me

i love his best friend
he still loves me even though he said he doesnt
they argue over me
they both fight and say im not worth it
and i love no one
and no one loves me

^^^ that actually makes sense
and i give you props if you can iunderstand it